Worst Football Team of All Time

My wife and I traveled up to UT this past Memorial Day Weekend with a truckload of our daughter Ari's STUFF. Ari is finishing her education in the Beehive State and 'needed' these things for her new apartment. But, that is another story. During our visit, my younger sister, Karen, had a little surprise for me. Six years ago our beloved Granny passed away. After her death many of her belongings and keepsakes scattered to various family members. Unknown to me, Karen had stored away some old photos and clippings of my younger days that she had received from Granny. Now these reminders of days gone by are in my possession, one of which is the pic below from the fall of 1970. This is the story for tonight's post........

The Rams. [Check out number 61]

I was in 9th grade in 1970, in my second season of Little League Football. Organized youth football was a new thing in Spanish Fork, having had it's inaugural season 2 years before. My parents would not allow me to play that first year, fearing injury. My best buddy, Steve B and I, convinced the folks to let us play the next year. So, my stint with the Rams was year two of my football experience. Another one of my best friends, Ronnie Hair (#66 with glasses) was on the squad. WE WERE AWFUL! Our QB stunk (sorry Leon), we couldn't tackle, we didn't block, we rarely even scored a point! WE WERE TERRIBLE. Worst of all, we weren't having any fun. I was starting to hate football. Our coach, Coach Creer, hated us, justifiably so. We goofed around at practice and really didn't give a crap. We were just playing out the string. After another shut-out defeat on the second to last game of the season, Coach Creer gathered us under the lights for a little team meeting. He told us how bad we stunk and he had had enough and couldn't take it anymore. He said that he would not be embarrassed by us anymore! He said, "I quit, you can coach yourselves." He strode off into the darkness, leaving us behind in shocked silence. He disappeared from our lives, forever. In that brief moment of solitude, I felt guilt, sadness and anger all at the same time. Sure, we couldn't beat the Indians from Mexican Hat, but hey, our coach quit on us. In that brief moment before panic set in, Glen Thorpe, our walk-on assistant coach, said, "Guys, I'll coach you. I won't give up on you." Wow, we were rescued! We were saved! We still would be able to play our last game! But, was that a good thing? Coach Glen was just a high school kid who didn't know much more about football than we did, but he led us through practice that next week. Finally, the season finale arrived. We blocked, we tackled, we ran, we had a blast, but we still didn't score a point! But, we gutted it out until the final gun......... and battled our opponent to a 0-0 scoreless tie!!!  We couldn't score, but damn it, neither did the other team! We danced like football gods across the gridiron, rushing towards Coach Thorpe. It was exquisite jubilation! We carried our Coach-for-a-Week off the field upon or shoulders like we had just won the Super Bowl! I haven't seen Glen Thorpe in over 40 years, but I will always love and admire him for what he did. He stepped up and we followed him. He taught us to never give up, no matter the odds. What a great lesson for a group of 14 year-olds to learn. Thanks, Glen, wherever you are!

Four Men and The Falcon

John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens when you are making plans for other things.” I guess that is often true, but this past weekend was an exception to Lennon’s edict. In fact, I think it is safe to say that sweet memories were etched into the minds of FOUR MEN AND THE FALCON. Yup, the M3 Man-Cavers took it all the way to San Jose, and then some! M1 (Mike Bayard), M2 (Yours Truly), M3 (Mike Hawkes), CC (Clyde Condie), and The Falcon (Ryan Hawkes) jetted up to the Bay Area for a Sports/Movie weekend.  We flew on Horizon Air’s twin prop aircraft, piloted by Orville and Wilbur Wright. The brothers did manage to get the props spinning after a little hand cranking, but forgot to turn on the air conditioning. Nevertheless, we survived the flight. Once safely on the ground at San Jose International, we headed downtown to the much ballyhooed Original Joe’s, a famous San Jose eatery. M3 had given us many previews of their renowned 12 0z. burgers. O Joe’s did not disappoint. Our only regret was we couldn’t eat all the food! Shockingly, even The Falcon couldn’t eat everything placed in front of him! That’s as rare as an annular eclipse. When leaving the Original Joe's parking lot, near disaster almost occurred, but was averted due to the cat-like reflexes of our driver, M2. What exactly happened is in The Vault never ever to be revealed..Our next stop was the Century 16 multiplex to view the just released Battleship. This flick was all a man-caver could ever want; aliens, battleships, lots of explosions, just enough plot to keep you interested, and, of course, Brooklyn Decker. All 5 cavers gave this film an enthusiastic, Must See! If you see this movie, don’t leave before ALL of the closing credits roll…..It was back into our rented Ford Expedition (sweet!!) and we were off to Dave and Buster’s Sports Bar for our final activity of the day: The Laker vs. Thunder game with, surprise, more food. M1 and I snared a perfectly located table for us right in front their giant screen TV. While we ordered a cornucopia of appetizers and cokes, the Celtics lost to the 76ers. This was a sign that this was going to be a perfect evening! Sure enough, our Lakers won their only game of the series helped by our cheering and chewing. The only negative was a nearby young drunkard who was rooting for the Thunder. He was later escorted outside to the ‘Moron Area,’ much to our delight. We cruised back to the Comfort Inn in Palo Alto with smiles on our faces knowing that we had just experienced a PERFECT DAY! ……..M1 and I were roommates on this trip. I think we were both concerned about mutual snoring issues, but we must have cancelled each other out, because we slept fine. M3 dubbed our room the Honeymoon Suite, but we just think he was jealous he didn’t room with us. ….Day 2 started with donuts and got better from there. On our way up the peninsula, we took a little detour down Memory Lane. We initially cruised on over to the ancestral home of M3 in Saratoga. M3 was legendary back in the day and was known as a lovable rabble rouser in the Catholic school system there. There were many nuns who were scarred for life as a result. From Saratoga we pushed northward.Thirty plus years ago, M1 and I and our young wives lived in San Bruno, CA while attending professional school. We each lived in the same apartment complex, at different times. Strangely enough, our families later met in La Crescenta, CA and became friends for life. The old Evergreen Gardens had had a little face lift and a name change, but it still evoked tender memories of those far off student days and the early years of our marriages. Beat up cars, no money, endless homework, but what an adventure it was! From the past to the present we found our way to AT& T Park, home of the hated San Francisco Giants. The Giants beat the A’s 4-0, but we barely noticed. We may dislike the Giants, but we LOVED their new stadium. We were part of the 105^th consecutive sell-out, on a picture perfect 65 degree Spring day. What a beautiful park, constructed right next to San Francisco Bay, cooled by those eternal ocean breezes. Endless varieties of food with no lines, a tremendous scoreboard, a close intimate setting.! I know it’s hard to believe, but even the ‘Battery Chucks’ (Giants fans) were well behaved. M1 had secured awesome seats for us AND it was Fedora Day. We all went home with the ugliest hats I’ve ever seen.  From the park we drove through SF winding our way to the Golden Gate Bridge. We took in that spectacular view from the Marin Headlands, a vista that never gets old.  We decided to grab a bite in cozy Sausalito that jewel by the bay. We stumbled upon The Spinnaker, a fancy seafood joint nestled right on the ocean. We slipped into their bar area and grabbed little round tables that provided a panoramic view of the bay. Once again, we dined on various seafood appetizers and delicious sourdough bread. We were living the good life! Finally, after The Falcon consumed yet one more shrimp cocktail, we set sail again in our black Ford back to Palo Alto. Two perfect days in a row? Was that too much to ask? The Cave Gods finally frowned upon us as those dang LA Lakers gave another one away, losing to the Thunder in game 4. While the Lakers choked it away we belly-ached in M3’s motel room. The Falcon, literally belly-ached suffering severe gastrointestinal issues much to our olfactory sense’s discontent! Hopefully, The Falcon will be flying high again soon! So, there it was, another near-perfect day, the Lakers not withstanding!......Orville and Wilbur flew us home on day 3, putting the capper on an awesome  Cave Road Trip! We are already planning our next adventure! A wise man once said in a talk at church the following, “The key to happiness is having someone to love, having something to look forward to, and having something to do.” I think I can say, without reservation, this trip achieved all three keys!

My roomie M1 organizing his clothes. (My wife didn't believe anyone else did this but me)

M1 and M2 at the old Evergreen 'Gardens' Wow, we're old!

Entrance to AT & T Park San Francisco, CA

Coca-Cola Slide and Giant Glove above left field AT & T Park

Blimp over AT & T Park

Down the left field line

105th straight sell-out May 19, 2012

Giant Glove

Sun-Splashed fans at AT & T Park

Behind the center field food court

McCovey Cove kayakers angle for that elusive HR ball

Another beautiful day in San Fran

Above AT & T park

This was not the jet we flew on!

Battleship's Brooklyn Decker

M3, M1, The Falcon, CC, and M2: The Godfathers of AT & T Park (CC will make you an offer you can't refuse)

The Golden Gate Bridge and SF from the Marin Headlands

M3, CC, M2, M1, and The Falcon

Our view from The Spinnaker in Sausalito

The Falcon, M3, M1, M2, and CC outside of Original Joe's in San Jose

Final resting place of the Giant Fedora atop Han Solo's head in my office

PEACE OUT?!

MWP nails James Harden

Unless you have been residing in a cave somewhere with the recently deported wives of Osama bin Laden over in Pakistan, you probably heard about Laker misfit, Metta World Peace's (aka Ron Artest) vicious elbow to the head of OKC's James Harden's noggin in last Sunday's NBA tilt. This topic has consumed the air-waves here in LA since the dastardly deed was committed. NBA dictator, David Stern finally issued MWP's punishment: A 7 game suspension. So, Ron-Ron missed tonight's insignificant laugher vs. Jimmer and the Sac Town Kings and will miss the subsequent 6 Laker play-off games. Personally, I think he got off easy. If Metta weren't a Laker, I would classify him a thug right up there with that mental midget, Kenyon Martin of the Clippers. Too bad Martin didn't stay over in China or wherever the heck he was. At any rate, I was ready to move on once Ronnie's suspension was revealed, but the guy just won't shut up! He's on Twitter, on the radio, in the paper. He goes on and on. If you have seen the video, Artest clearly wound up and clubbed Harden. It wasn't an accident, it wasn't inadvertent. But check out this quote from LA Times writer Mike Bresnahan's story in today's paper. "I didn't lose it. It was bad timing for me. Physically, it was bad timing for Mr. Harden," said Artest. "Who could write up a left-handed dunk then all of a sudden somebody's right behind you. It's hard to draw that up and to plan something like that." OK, so I guess Ron didn't do anything wrong, poor old Jimmy Harden just happened to walk into that flying elbow?....It's no news flash that MWP has a checkered, violent past and some anger management issues, but come on, Ron. You gotta be fracking kidding me! Ronnie, how old are you? When I was around 9 years old I was playing in the street with my little neighborhood buddies back in 'Fork Town.' I got into a dispute with Donnie (which happened almost daily) who was hollering at me from the other side of the road. Back in the day, one of my favorite pastimes was throwing rocks. I picked up a big one and hurled it in the general direction of that darn Donnie. Regrettably, a car came down the street at that exact moment. With deadly accuracy that rock crashed through the windshield! Horrified, I fled and hid. My so called 'buddies' ratted me out to Mr. Hone, the driver of the car. Mr. Hone was a neighbor and also one of our fine city's 'Sanitation Engineers.' Yup, he was a trash man. Mr. Trash Man wasn't too happy with me. He asked me why in the HELL I was throwing rocks in the street. I insolently replied, "If you hadn't come down the street, this would have never happened!" Aghast at my childish, unrepentant remark, he drove off saying something about him talking to my dad. Oh crap, was I in for it. Needless to say, later that evening, my dad drove me over to the Hone's where I begged their forgiveness and assured them I would pay for the broken window. I was 9 and I would hope to think I learned something from the incident. Sadly, Ron-Ron will never change. The guy is on thin ice, now. One more temper/emotion fueled misstep, and he'll be banished from the NBA for good. Will MWP ever learn? Down in the Tongan Islands they have saying that goes like this, "Laku maka fai ki tahi." Translated, this means "Like trying to fill the ocean with rocks." In other words, no matter how hard you try, it will never happen. Will Ron-Ron ever quit 'throwing rocks'? I think we all know the answer.

"Laku maka fai ki tahi."

Resistance is Futile!

Micutis of Borg

I turned 56 a week ago. It wasn't so much a celebration as just a ripping of another page off the calendar of life. I did receive some nice gifts: a great watch from my daughter and an awesome talking Star Wars book from my best friend Steve. Birthdays are nice, but when you get to be my age, you really don't need yet another reminder of one's mortality. Well, mortality found me again last night. I had to endure another dreaded sleep study. I know this is a shocker, but I snore. I have previously been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and was prescribed a c-pap machine a few years back. The trouble is, I have never been able to tolerate that Darth Vader mask. In fact, the only time before last night that I ever successfully slept with that monstrosity on was during my first sleep study, several years ago. Well, over the years, the snoring has reached Chewbacca proportions and my wife is threatening to send me to the 'neutral zone.' There I was again last night at Pacific Sleep Center for assimilation. The technician, Tawny, was incredibly nice as she applied glue to my head, face, chest and leg and proceeded to attach so many wires that I began to feel like one of  'The Collective.' Once, hook up was complete, I retired to my room where I would be videoed, monitored, poked and prodded. Finally, after tossing and turning for what seemed hours, I must have dozed off. Almost instantly, Tawny appeared at my bedside telling me I needed to sleep on my back now. After waking myself up snoring about 20 times, here comes Tawny again to hook me up to the c-pap machine. This is what I had been dreading for so long. Let me set this up for you: I have wires glued to my head, electric leads wrapped around my torso and a mask over my nose forcing air down the nasal cavity. A pulse/ox cord is taped to my left index finger with a LED light giving the room a red glow. I swear I can hear Lord Vader breathing slowly, in and out, in the darkness. But, wait, that's me! Miraculously, I have somehow fallen asleep.....And then, Tawny shows up again, wakes me and asks, you guessed it, could I sleep on my back again. Whew, Tawny is nice, but relentless. I comply, and then she is back! Now she tightens the mask to the point of abject claustrophobic proportions. What does she want from me! I thought this was a 'sleep' study! Finally, for the last time, Tawny reenters my sleep chamber of horrors and says, "Good morning." It's finally over, resistance WAS futile.I have been assimilated. I am now Micutis of Borg...........................

The Tale of Two Movies/ John Carter Mutes The Artist

Friday afternoons have become movie day for my wife and I in recent months. I have been in deep anticipation for quite some time for the premiere today of 'John Carter'. Meanwhile, my wife and her best bud Glenda wanted to see the highly touted, critically acclaimed, 'The Artist'.  The plan was lunch at the Cheescake Factory then off to the movies. What a quandary. I would rather be tortured for 2 hours by Jack Bauer than sit through 'The Artist'.... But, in this wonderful era of the multiplex, I was able to find a showing of both films starting at about the same time and ending about the same time. Perfect! Kar and Glenda go see the silent film with the barking dog and I see a potentially great SyFy epic.  'John Carter' was fantastic!

 I love it when a movie exceeds even my lofty expectations. I purposely selected  the 2D version. This recent 3D craze is overblown and overrated. What a great choice. The film was shot on location in southern Utah with some great scenes filmed at Lake Powell. 'John Carter' is based on a work of pulp fiction penned by the Godfather of SyFy, Edgar Rice Burroughs. His 1917 book was entitled 'Princess of  Mars' and was book 1 of 11 in his Barsoom (Mars) series. Burroughs' imagination inspired many other writers and filmmakers. Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night Lights fame

plays John Carter, a confederate officer who lost his family in Josey Wales fashion. While prospecting in Arizona after the war he discovers a sacred cave with a major vein of gold. After a series of miraculous events he finds himself transported to Mars and lands in the middle of a civil war of sorts there. He, of course, becomes a hero and gets the girl. If you love Star Wars, Star Trek, Westerns, lots of action, a great story, and a beautiful girl, then you'll love this movie! Taylor Kitsch is now officially a movie star. Burroughs really knew how to spin a tale. His Tarzan series of novels are some of my favorite books of all time. Not bad for a pencil sharpener salesman who decided to become a writer. Present day Tarzana, CA in named after the ranch he bought back in 1919. 'John Carter of Mars' is a must see, even if you are not a SyFy nut. It will NOT disappoint.......Oh, what about 'The Artist'? Kar and Glenda said it was the stupidest, most boring movie they had ever seen in their lives! They were so burned that they had wasted 2 hours on it, that they could hardly even talk about it. No big shocker to me. It just cracks me up that such a film, that nobody saw, and didn't collect any box office could reap so many Oscars. I guess it's a testament to the Weinstein brothers who are masters at marketing their films to the Academy. Oh well, 'John Carter' probably won't garner any Oscars, but it has already provided more entertainment than 'The Artist' ever will.........Thank you ERB.

Ice Pick to the Retina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The demise of the Lakers

That's it, I'm done! I have absolutely had it with this year's Laker squad. They are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They beat one of the best teams in the NBA, the Heat, last Sunday, then go on the road and lose two in a row to two horrible teams. Last night's defeat at the hands of the Pistons was unforgivable, but tonight's monumental collapse in D.C. to the 8 win Wizards is unpardonable! This collection of selfish individuals led by 21 points with 5 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter and lose the game by 6, a 27 point swing in only 17 minutes of play. The woeful Laker bench was outscored 50 something to 20 something. Then there is our future Hall of Famer, Kobe Bean Bryant. The guy is a ball-hog. OK, there it is, I said it.....He just keeps forcing up bad shot after bad shot. Michael Jordan was a career 49% shooter, Kobe is a 45% shooter. The difference? Shot selection. If Kobe and Michael had a game of HORSE, Kobe would win every time. But, Kobe never met a shot he didn't like. After he started the 4th quarter tonight 0-6, Mike Brown should have had the guts to yank him out of the game. But, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, he's Kobe. Poor Jim Hill and James Worthy on the channel 9 post game show were speechless. The have had it, too. Anyway, I'm done with the Lakers for the rest of this season. I am hopping on the Clipper band wagon. Chris Paul and Blake are my guys now. But, before I exit Lakerdom, let me leave a few parting suggestions and comments:
1. Commissioner David Stern needs to be water boarded. Thanks to his gutless veto of the trade for Chris Paul, the Lakers are in their current mess. We didn't get Paul or salary cap relief and we give Lamar away for nothing who then goes into hiding with the Kardashian's. What a nightmare!
2. Don't worry about filling any needs this season. That's right. Mitch Kupchak and Jimmy Buss might as well continue their season long snooze. But, at some point before the Second Coming, it might be nice to get a point guard that can actually play and a small forward that can chew gum and walk at the same time. But hey, what's the rush? Don't blow the team up this year, this season is officially toast.
3. Fire Mike Brown now! Phil Jackson would not allow a Pee Wee team lose a 21 point lead, let alone an NBA team. Brown is in over his head. Get him outta here and bring in Kurt Rambis like they should have in the first place.
4. Derek Fisher, please retire now!!!
5. Send Troy Murphy and his line drive metal cracking jumper back to Ireland.
6. Put Steve Blake on waivers or have him shave off that soul patch.
7. Is Luke Walton still on the team? If so, cut him and sign his dad. Or make him a Laker Boy!
8. Cut Metta World Peace and bring back Ron Artest. That guy was not bad. Peace out!
9. What's wrong with Josh McRoberts? Get the guy some playing time. You gotta love his energy.
10. Drew Goudlock, keep shooting.
11. Matt Barnes? Who gives a crap.
12. And finally, just in case I become a Laker fan again, please don't trade Pau!

Thank goodness March Madness is upon us! By the time it's over it will be baseball season. Look for me at Dodger Stadium with my buddies Harry and Mike. If anyone catches me watching a Laker game, go ahead and jab an ice pick in my retina!

Movie Review: Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy
When the Closing Credits Rolled
Not Open Was a Single Eye!
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
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There really isn't much else to day. Aside from Gary Oldman's usual strong performance, this movie is a Must Miss. Don't waste your money. We were among a dozen or so patrons at the local Arclight Cinema for a Friday matinee, who all were looking for a refund after this methodical clunker. Twenty minutes in, I received the elbow to the ribs to roust me from my nap. Holy cow, watching paint dry would have been a welcome respite! For the first half of the film you are wondering what the heck is going on; by the end you could really care less. Just thinking about this movie puts me to sleep. I'm going bed............................................