Resistance is Futile!

Micutis of Borg

I turned 56 a week ago. It wasn't so much a celebration as just a ripping of another page off the calendar of life. I did receive some nice gifts: a great watch from my daughter and an awesome talking Star Wars book from my best friend Steve. Birthdays are nice, but when you get to be my age, you really don't need yet another reminder of one's mortality. Well, mortality found me again last night. I had to endure another dreaded sleep study. I know this is a shocker, but I snore. I have previously been diagnosed with mild sleep apnea and was prescribed a c-pap machine a few years back. The trouble is, I have never been able to tolerate that Darth Vader mask. In fact, the only time before last night that I ever successfully slept with that monstrosity on was during my first sleep study, several years ago. Well, over the years, the snoring has reached Chewbacca proportions and my wife is threatening to send me to the 'neutral zone.' There I was again last night at Pacific Sleep Center for assimilation. The technician, Tawny, was incredibly nice as she applied glue to my head, face, chest and leg and proceeded to attach so many wires that I began to feel like one of  'The Collective.' Once, hook up was complete, I retired to my room where I would be videoed, monitored, poked and prodded. Finally, after tossing and turning for what seemed hours, I must have dozed off. Almost instantly, Tawny appeared at my bedside telling me I needed to sleep on my back now. After waking myself up snoring about 20 times, here comes Tawny again to hook me up to the c-pap machine. This is what I had been dreading for so long. Let me set this up for you: I have wires glued to my head, electric leads wrapped around my torso and a mask over my nose forcing air down the nasal cavity. A pulse/ox cord is taped to my left index finger with a LED light giving the room a red glow. I swear I can hear Lord Vader breathing slowly, in and out, in the darkness. But, wait, that's me! Miraculously, I have somehow fallen asleep.....And then, Tawny shows up again, wakes me and asks, you guessed it, could I sleep on my back again. Whew, Tawny is nice, but relentless. I comply, and then she is back! Now she tightens the mask to the point of abject claustrophobic proportions. What does she want from me! I thought this was a 'sleep' study! Finally, for the last time, Tawny reenters my sleep chamber of horrors and says, "Good morning." It's finally over, resistance WAS futile.I have been assimilated. I am now Micutis of Borg...........................

The Tale of Two Movies/ John Carter Mutes The Artist

Friday afternoons have become movie day for my wife and I in recent months. I have been in deep anticipation for quite some time for the premiere today of 'John Carter'. Meanwhile, my wife and her best bud Glenda wanted to see the highly touted, critically acclaimed, 'The Artist'.  The plan was lunch at the Cheescake Factory then off to the movies. What a quandary. I would rather be tortured for 2 hours by Jack Bauer than sit through 'The Artist'.... But, in this wonderful era of the multiplex, I was able to find a showing of both films starting at about the same time and ending about the same time. Perfect! Kar and Glenda go see the silent film with the barking dog and I see a potentially great SyFy epic.  'John Carter' was fantastic!

 I love it when a movie exceeds even my lofty expectations. I purposely selected  the 2D version. This recent 3D craze is overblown and overrated. What a great choice. The film was shot on location in southern Utah with some great scenes filmed at Lake Powell. 'John Carter' is based on a work of pulp fiction penned by the Godfather of SyFy, Edgar Rice Burroughs. His 1917 book was entitled 'Princess of  Mars' and was book 1 of 11 in his Barsoom (Mars) series. Burroughs' imagination inspired many other writers and filmmakers. Taylor Kitsch of Friday Night Lights fame

plays John Carter, a confederate officer who lost his family in Josey Wales fashion. While prospecting in Arizona after the war he discovers a sacred cave with a major vein of gold. After a series of miraculous events he finds himself transported to Mars and lands in the middle of a civil war of sorts there. He, of course, becomes a hero and gets the girl. If you love Star Wars, Star Trek, Westerns, lots of action, a great story, and a beautiful girl, then you'll love this movie! Taylor Kitsch is now officially a movie star. Burroughs really knew how to spin a tale. His Tarzan series of novels are some of my favorite books of all time. Not bad for a pencil sharpener salesman who decided to become a writer. Present day Tarzana, CA in named after the ranch he bought back in 1919. 'John Carter of Mars' is a must see, even if you are not a SyFy nut. It will NOT disappoint.......Oh, what about 'The Artist'? Kar and Glenda said it was the stupidest, most boring movie they had ever seen in their lives! They were so burned that they had wasted 2 hours on it, that they could hardly even talk about it. No big shocker to me. It just cracks me up that such a film, that nobody saw, and didn't collect any box office could reap so many Oscars. I guess it's a testament to the Weinstein brothers who are masters at marketing their films to the Academy. Oh well, 'John Carter' probably won't garner any Oscars, but it has already provided more entertainment than 'The Artist' ever will.........Thank you ERB.

Ice Pick to the Retina!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The demise of the Lakers

That's it, I'm done! I have absolutely had it with this year's Laker squad. They are Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. They beat one of the best teams in the NBA, the Heat, last Sunday, then go on the road and lose two in a row to two horrible teams. Last night's defeat at the hands of the Pistons was unforgivable, but tonight's monumental collapse in D.C. to the 8 win Wizards is unpardonable! This collection of selfish individuals led by 21 points with 5 minutes remaining in the 3rd quarter and lose the game by 6, a 27 point swing in only 17 minutes of play. The woeful Laker bench was outscored 50 something to 20 something. Then there is our future Hall of Famer, Kobe Bean Bryant. The guy is a ball-hog. OK, there it is, I said it.....He just keeps forcing up bad shot after bad shot. Michael Jordan was a career 49% shooter, Kobe is a 45% shooter. The difference? Shot selection. If Kobe and Michael had a game of HORSE, Kobe would win every time. But, Kobe never met a shot he didn't like. After he started the 4th quarter tonight 0-6, Mike Brown should have had the guts to yank him out of the game. But, noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, he's Kobe. Poor Jim Hill and James Worthy on the channel 9 post game show were speechless. The have had it, too. Anyway, I'm done with the Lakers for the rest of this season. I am hopping on the Clipper band wagon. Chris Paul and Blake are my guys now. But, before I exit Lakerdom, let me leave a few parting suggestions and comments:
1. Commissioner David Stern needs to be water boarded. Thanks to his gutless veto of the trade for Chris Paul, the Lakers are in their current mess. We didn't get Paul or salary cap relief and we give Lamar away for nothing who then goes into hiding with the Kardashian's. What a nightmare!
2. Don't worry about filling any needs this season. That's right. Mitch Kupchak and Jimmy Buss might as well continue their season long snooze. But, at some point before the Second Coming, it might be nice to get a point guard that can actually play and a small forward that can chew gum and walk at the same time. But hey, what's the rush? Don't blow the team up this year, this season is officially toast.
3. Fire Mike Brown now! Phil Jackson would not allow a Pee Wee team lose a 21 point lead, let alone an NBA team. Brown is in over his head. Get him outta here and bring in Kurt Rambis like they should have in the first place.
4. Derek Fisher, please retire now!!!
5. Send Troy Murphy and his line drive metal cracking jumper back to Ireland.
6. Put Steve Blake on waivers or have him shave off that soul patch.
7. Is Luke Walton still on the team? If so, cut him and sign his dad. Or make him a Laker Boy!
8. Cut Metta World Peace and bring back Ron Artest. That guy was not bad. Peace out!
9. What's wrong with Josh McRoberts? Get the guy some playing time. You gotta love his energy.
10. Drew Goudlock, keep shooting.
11. Matt Barnes? Who gives a crap.
12. And finally, just in case I become a Laker fan again, please don't trade Pau!

Thank goodness March Madness is upon us! By the time it's over it will be baseball season. Look for me at Dodger Stadium with my buddies Harry and Mike. If anyone catches me watching a Laker game, go ahead and jab an ice pick in my retina!